HAPPY 420: Legal cannabis is a rip-off!
As a lifelong toker who, like most area stoners, was elated when weed became legal in Canada – and then partook with great disappointment – I can keep silent no longer.
Sorry, but I’m done. I gave it a good try. Obeyed the law. Bought the legal cannabis. But I’m sick of it. My high hopes have been dashed. I’m going back to my “Guy,” and never looking back. Oh, Guy! Can you forgive me? I’ll never cheat on you again!
Legal weed is a rip-off. First of all, it’s dry as shit. Crumbles to powder in your hands. It smells weird, it tastes weird, and seems to be at least twice as expensive as black market pot of comparable quality. And the quality is dubious. I’d never heard of any of these “brands” before: Blue Dream Sativa (best of a poor lot, and quite expensive), Lemon Skunk, Zen Berry, Prohibition Blend. Whatever happened to OG? Who names this stuff, anyway? Sure, my Guy usually only has one, maybe two, strains on hand at any given time, you never know, and he’s not always around – but it’s always good, cheap shit. The main cost is time: Having to make a discrete appointment – “Can I pop by?” – hang out with the Guy for a while, engage in enough small talk to not be seen as a heat score. Friendships with dope dealers are awkward.
Aside from the high cost and other issues, I’ve experienced odd side effects from legal weed I’ve never felt before: such as dizziness, nausea, headache, or fatigue. Yes, cannabis can make you sleepy, but that wicked Sour Kush Indica (19.0% THC) gave me the shakes before it knocked me out. Had a chemical aroma, too.
Also annoying is the stupid amount of wasteful packaging. Legal pot comes in double-sealed child-proof-adult-proof plastic jars that could hold 100 Extra Strength Advil. There’s a warning label: “Regular use of cannabis increases the risk of psychosis or schizophrenia. Young people are especially at risk.” Now you tell me. Multiple empties in a household garbage bag are a heat score, too. Hardcore stoners still don’t like “heat.” I feel same way about all the empty whiskey bottles.
It’s nice they measure the level of THC in everything, identify it as “Sativa” or “Indica” – the latter supposed to be more relaxing, but not always. Hybrids are variable. My Guy will sometimes offer customers a sample before they buy. Can’t do that at a legal pot shop, much less see it, smell it, or touch it. They don’t have scales to verify you’re actually getting the full 7.0 grams of desiccated Franken-bud in a jar heavy enough for jam. They give you pamphlets on the risks of marijuana use, perhaps a coupon for a discount at an area head shop, and a little poncy shopping bag to carry it all in. Before you even get inside, they may ask for your ID even if you look like Tommy Chong. Shopping for legal pot is awkward, too.
But in the months after legalization, half the time the stores were either closed – out of stock completely – or out of most of the popular brands. I’d have to settle for something like the “Banana Split” hybrid. Tasted like ditch weed, had to smoke a lot to get a buzz. If dealers at my high school tried to pass off this shit at this price, they’d be shamed out of business.
It’s no secret that the authorities grossly underestimated Canadians’ appetite for marijuana, and shortages have plagued the retail cannabis industry since it started in October 2018. Not since the 1970s have I heard the phrase, “Man, it’s dry out there.”
Turns out that my Guy had actually lowered his prices since legalization, and business is booming. Coincidence? I think not! Now for about $6 a gram, I’m consistently getting better, fresher, healthier, and more potent pot than I could ever get legally.
In short, this was an interesting (if expensive) experiment; the results are in, I’ve made up my mind, and now I’m finished with legal weed. Unless radical changes are made – maybe with some input and cooperation from the black market guys who really know the dope business? Just a suggestion – this trend will continue. I know I’m not the only cannabis outlaw in town.
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