OLD MAN MIKULA’S CONTROVERSIAL OPINIONS: Guide to E-Scooters in E-Town
In mid-August, publicly available E-Scooters were dropped off by rival companies Bird and Lime in the dead of night. Scooters have finally been wrenched from the hands of feckless early 2000s pop punks, automated, monetized, and thrust into the clammy grip of the average consumer. They came with no instruction, save a lengthy user agreement whose writing was a Father Mackenzie via Eleanor Rigby-esque exercise in anonymous futility. So, rather than hunching over your phone to pore over the fine print, here is a guide to the use of E-scooters in Edmonton.
First let’s cover some terminology.
E-Scooters are self powered, decidedly thiccer simulacra of a standard analog scooter. Valued at $2.4 billion despite dubious profitability, Lime promises that “Through the equitable distribution of shared scooters, bikes and transit vehicles, we aim to reduce dependence on personal automobiles for short distance transportation and leave future generations with a cleaner, healthier planet.”
Plus, they glide as softly as a cloud!
An E-Scooter combines the speed of a bicycle, the lightweight usability of a bicycle, and the callous indifference of being able to immediately walk away from that which is no longer useful to you. The “E” stands for Electronic, and indicates it is a modern product of a modern era, unlike the barbaric scooters of the ‘aughts. Consider the symbolic strength of an addended “E”. “Mail” is used by skeletal grandmothers with nothing to lose and smarmy hipster penpals. Whereas “Email” is used by academics, businesspeople, and professional athletes.
More importantly, the scooters present another opportunity to participate in the great data economy that is the lifeblood of big tech. I’ve seen excellent online deals on heart medication and coffins by third party advertisers ever since Bird found out about my nightly trips to KFC. Now I can rest easy knowing that in three to five years when my organs seize and my flesh rots away leaving nothing but gummy tangerine rivers of cholesterol, it will be in the comfort of a Dalphine Solid Cedar Wood Casket ($2495.00, down from $8395.00).
Bird is one of the two major E-Scooter concerns. Bird seeks to “to rebalance our existing streets and improve the way we all get around” The so called “rebalancing” is achieved by ensuring anyone with a smartphone and $0.30/minute can expedite a journey, dominate the sidewalk, and menace pedestrians. No longer is the realm of obnoxious transport monopolized by those rich enough to own a Segway or, possibly, a unicycle.
Lime is the other e-Scooter provider. They enter the ring with a decidedly more demur goal of “simple, accessible micromobility for all.” Micromobility is a runic beguilement of transmogrification that allows yourself and your corporate avatar to assume the appearance of a Unicorn. (An ancient hoax used to con rubes with fantastic and outlandish promises).
“Juicer a juicer” is the tech-dystopia equivalent of a rag-and-bone man. They are hired to trawl the streets for discarded scooters in order to take them home and charge them. The more cunning and entrepreneurial of juicers have cut out the middleman and simply procure scooters by hitting riders off mid-ride with a nylon sock stuffed with old pennies. Predatory, malicious, and profitable, capitalism at its finest.
When you are riding the scooters there are a few things you want to keep in mind.
The scooters can only be ridden on bike lanes, shared use paths, and roads with a speed limit of 50km/h or under. If you skirt the rules and ride on the sidewalk, just remember to be courteous. If you are approaching someone, alert them to your presence by gently hollering “fuck you, nerd!”
Remember to wear a helmet! The scooters can reach a speed of 20km/h. For comparison, the world’s fastest snake, the black mamba, can reach 19km/h over short distances. However, being both a terrestrial and arboreal snake, it could drop onto you from any of the tree lined boulevards that often flank our bike lanes. A helmet will protect you from the fatal neurotoxins delivered with each lightning fast bite.
The E-scooters are equipped with numerous tools to ensure they stay within their predetermined zone of operation. These include locking wheels and an alarm that sounds like a screaming human. When your trip is completed, make sure your scooter is not obstructing any paths, and is in a convenient, accessible location, such as a public pool or a river.
So long as the rules are adhered to and the scooters are operated in a responsible, respectful way, they may very well become a permanent fixture on our streets. Hopefully such forward thinking innovation will continue. And so too will we be able to participate in ongoing orgiastic corporate free for all that is replacing regulated public infrastructure. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find my sock full of pennies and get to work.
