OLD MAN MIKULA’S CONTROVERSIAL OPINIONS: 2 Recent Edmonton Lows
Low No. 1
In a beef-handed attempt at alleviating climate anxiety while simultaneously highlighting research done by the institution, the University of Alberta purchased billboard space extolling the virtues of climate change. It is citing a study that says in a runaway climate apocalypse, barley will require 10-60% less water to grow. The barley is in turn fed to the mouth-watering monochrome bovine oceans that pack feedlots throughout the province. Located at 178 Street and 100 Avenue, the billboard read:
“Beefier barley
Climate Change will boost
Alberta’s Barley Yield with less
water, feeding more cattle”
On top of reading like a super shitty haiku, the font on the first “barley” grows from small to large, symbolically representing getting a big ol’ boner at the lusty prospect of discount beef. At the bottom the viewer is directed to the U of A’s “Truth Matters” website. The website states that “truth is the work of generations. Its pursuit is an arduous and necessary task that requires grit to stick to the evidence even when it seems elusive or challenges older ideas.”
It highlights the age old questions the University of Alberta has been grappling with, such as: How can personalized molecular diagnostic systems be used to reduce organ transplant failure? How can recycling carbon dioxide allow solar energy as fuel? If I puke on myself at RATT while playing quarters, will they ask me to leave? (*Answer below)
Is it any coincidence the billboard is literally half a block away from a Chop Steakhouse? Absolutely not. As I learned from www.ualberta.ca/truthmatters, the naturally occurring “Massive Parking Lot” biomes upon which Edmonton was built will naturally sprout a diverse flora and fauna of a Michael’s, fast food franchises, and business casual steakhouses.
There was vocal outrage that a publicly-funded educational institution, facing a worsening climate crisis, thought the best message to present to the public was BUT THINK OF THE CHEAP T-BONES – versus more pressing issues, like an influx of deadly black mamba snakes as they habituate to our warming clime. The institution’s vice-president of University Relations stepped down, with the University President saying formal procedures had not been followed before running the ad. Predictably, the kind of people with skin so thin they will fall into a days-long rage any time they see the Autumnal prefix “Pumpkin Spice” were outraged at the outrage, and all things were tied up in a neat little package.
Low No. 2
On Monday, Oct. 7, Edmonton City Council voted to discontinue use of calcium chloride as a road de-icer. Discontinuing the calcium chloride was predicted to add an additional $38 million to the city’s budget. Vehicle erosion and potential infrastructure damage were cited as concerns, and ultimately, $38 million was deemed a price worth paying. It was described as “the most vigorous debate this council’s had.” While I don’t feel strongly for either side, I can attest that last winter the calcium chloride eroded the truck nuts on my F-150 to such an extent that they now more accurately resemble my own personal syphilis-mangled scrotum.
The next day a motion was brought forward to have free transit on Election Day – taking that extra small step to ensure as many citizens of Edmonton can participate in the democratic process as possible. There is a similar program on New Year’s Eve, when transit is free. That is, the City of Edmonton is taking that extra small step to ensure as many citizens can safely and efficiently get their drunk ass to a New Year’s Eve party by midnight so they can kiss the mysterious stranger with the textured syphilitic lips. For Election Day, free transit would come with the price tag of up to $146 500, or roughly 0.38% of what the city is willing to fork over to keep the undercarriage of your Beemer pristine and virginal. The motion was defeated 3 to 9. This time the debate wasn’t so much vigorous as it was Bev Esslinger, Jon Dziadyk, Sarah Hamilton, Scott McKeen, Tony Caterina, Tim Cartmell, Michael Walters, Mike Nickel, Mohinder Banga, and Mayor Don Iveson throwing their hands up in the air and saying, “Ha-ha! Yeah! Woo! Fuck democracy!”
Granted, there will be other, more targeted initiatives to get voters out, and free tickets will be given to various community organizations to distribute. Councillor McKeen mused whether the move would only be symbolic. Given the recent report on Indigenous people and racial minorities being disproportionately penalized on Edmonton Transit, perhaps symbolically being as distant as possible from replicating Jim Crow era voter suppression isn’t such a bad thing? … !!!?!!?!?!?
Up until yesterday I was only going to write about the Beefier Barley. Even in today’s modern breakneck news cycle I thought such a local low would stay relevant. Oh, but that’s the tyranny of optimism: You’re always disappointed.
Stay shitty, Edmonton.
(*No)
