OLD MAN MIKULA’S CONTROVERSIAL OPINIONS: A Defense of the UCP
It was revealed this morning that Jason Kenney paid over $16,000 for a charter flight to fly three Premiers, two of their wives, and their staffers to Saskatoon after paying a visit to Calgary Stampede. The Premiers Blaine, Scott, and Bob came to participate in an informal strategy meeting and then dress up like cowboys and make pancakes.
Also present was Doug Ford, though he is not listed as being on the plane. This is because Doug Ford is a barely tangible cosmic apparition of ancient malevolence that can travel great distances instantaneously by channeling the self-destructive loathing in any given place and becoming its physical form, making flights unnecessary.
The charter flight was the only way to get them to the Council of the Federation meeting on time. Of course, a commercial flight would have sufficed, but the group wanted to stay for the Paw Patrol Meet and Greet at 11:30 at the BMO Kids Tent. The meet and greet itself was something of a disaster. Kenney was disgusted to discover none of the canines worked in the oil and gas sector and called the show an assault on Albertan values. Scott Moe and Blaine Higgs had to physically restrain our frothing Premier as he tried to choke out Ryder, the 10-year-old leader of the Paw Patrol. But I digress.
Paying for private flights so your buddies can make it out to breakfast seems like more of the blind corruption that has been the provincial government’s guiding principle. However, we normal Albertans have to consider the abnormal circumstances of the situation. To his credit, Kenney acknowledged the more expensive charter flights are “exceptional,” but he would do it again if logistically necessary. In this situation it was clearly necessary.
Let’s take a look at those logistics: Firstly, commercial flights don’t allow you to carry-on loaded firearms, and shooting guns in the air is the only way Jason, Blaine, Scott, and Moe know how to express joy, sadness, and arousal. Secondly, Kenney spent the majority of the flight nude in an oversized martini glass filled with just enough world-class Alberta crude to conceal his genitals. The sound system was blasting Flight of the Valkyries while he led the group in a spirited chant of “FUCK THE POOR!” The logistics of organizing such a winning spectacle on a commercial flight would be nearly impossible, and as a taxpayer I’m happy to foot the bill if the only option is a private flight.
One might wonder why the premiers didn’t simply pay their own way, but Kenney was eager to show some “Stampede hospitality.” Another example of Stampede hospitality is the millions in in tax breaks we gifted Encana as a parting gift while they moved their headquarters to the United States.
How is the province able to afford such luxuries while in the midst of what Kenney has described as a “fiscal crisis”? Do your research, you stupid piece of shit. Kenney was able to pay $16,764 for his buddies and their wives to play Dress Up Breakfast at the horse parade by indefinitely freezing income payments for Albertans with severe handicaps.
Ha-ha! Yeah! Wahoo!
YOU WANT MORE MIKULA? YOU CAN HANDLE MORE MIKULA!
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